New England Monsters and ghouls

As England prepare to take on Scotland at Wembley , we asked mixed-race Iain Macintosh (Scottish family, English bred) to appraise the auld enemies on an... erm... cultural basis.

Historical lessons

England
When the Vikings launched a sneak attack in 878AD, King Alfred was forced to scarper. Fleeing the town of Chippenham, he darted out to the marshes in Somerset and took refuge in the house of a lowly swineherd. “Stay in my house? Of course you can!” said the swineherd’s wife. “Just keep an eye on those cakes on the fire, eh?” Alfred daydreamed, the cakes burned and a legend was born.

Scotland
Robert the Bruce, beaten by the English, scarpered to where we know not, and hid in a cave.

There he watched a spider attempt to build a web in the wind, only to see it fail again and again.

Rather than trying to help by sheltering the spider from the wind, or by screaming and hiding because he didn’t like spiders, Robert sat and watched until the web was woven. Thanks. For. That. Said the spider.

VERDICT: Scotland, because cakes are nice, but if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again.

Late night bites

England
Behold, the awesome power of Teeside’s famous Parmo! Deep fried meat in breadcrumbs doused in litres of melted cheese, clogging your arteries like weasels in a drainpipe. Kebabs? Pah! We laugh at your kebabs. Curry? Look, how we giggle in the face of your curry. Show me a Parmo, loaded with chillis, drenched in dairy and bad intentions and I shall show you the world.

Scotland
Oh, you may scoff at the Deep Fried Mars Bar, but do you know the science that goes into making such a delicious treat? No, I didn’t think so. Throw a flaccid Mars Bar into the mix and it will melt. Throw a frozen one down and it will crack like the hull of the Titanic. It’s all about the chill factor. Not that this makes it any healthier. But let’s be honest; you did not come here for healthy eating.

VERDICT: England, with the addition of chilli pepper.

James Bond

England
Is anything smoother than Roger Moore? Anything on this earth? Ironed velvet slacks? A baby seal’s bottom? This is a man who can undo a woman’s bra with his eyebrow. He’s a weapon of mass seduction. He once had a fight with Lee Marvin, won and Marvin made it his mission to tell the world never to underestimate Moore in a scrap. To be honest, if Moore was up against anyone else here…

Rex

Scotland